Phlegm
HOME > Short Love Jokes
Girlfriend:
I love the way you passed you're chewing gum when we were kissing..
Boyfriend:
No, it's not a chewing gum, sorry I have a heavy cough this fast few days
- - -
Yo mama's so poor
HOME > Short Mamma Jokes
Yo mama's so poor she wears her McDonald's uniform to church Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled "Hey where'd grandma go?!?!?!" Yo mama's so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said "Two trees to your left" Yo mama's so poor when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.
4 men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry.( mens talk)Scientists finally found what was wrong the female brain.
They said the left side had nothing right and the right side had nothing left.(maths talk)
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.why is 6 afraid of 7?
-because 7 ate 9!!!!.
An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."(family jokes)
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox.
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death.
Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!..... (police joke)
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
(bar jokes).
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business.
A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
story-
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 1
Ever since she could remember, Lizzy the Lion Cub wanted a mane. Not just any old mane, but a nice thick dark one that would sit on her head like a crown.
"But you can't have a mane," said her mother. "You're a girl. Only boys have manes."
Lizzy thought this very unfair. And she moped around the den for a while wondering what she could do about it? Then she had an idea. She would go and see Osmund, the wise old Ostrich.
"All my brothers have nice long manes," she complained to Osmund. "And I'm as bald as an egg."
Osmund put on his spectacles, and peered for a long time at Lizzy's head. Then he gave her a bottle of hair tonic, and told her to rub it on three times a day.
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 1
Ever since she could remember, Lizzy the Lion Cub wanted a mane. Not just any old mane, but a nice thick dark one that would sit on her head like a crown.
"But you can't have a mane," said her mother. "You're a girl. Only boys have manes."
Lizzy thought this very unfair. And she moped around the den for a while wondering what she could do about it? Then she had an idea. She would go and see Osmund, the wise old Ostrich.
"All my brothers have nice long manes," she complained to Osmund. "And I'm as bald as an egg."
Osmund put on his spectacles, and peered for a long time at Lizzy's head. Then he gave her a bottle of hair tonic, and told her to rub it on three times a day.
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 1
Ever since she could remember, Lizzy the Lion Cub wanted a mane. Not just any old mane, but a nice thick dark one that would sit on her head like a crown.
"But you can't have a mane," said her mother. "You're a girl. Only boys have manes."
Lizzy thought this very unfair. And she moped around the den for a while wondering what she could do about it? Then she had an idea. She would go and see Osmund, the wise old Ostrich.
"All my brothers have nice long manes," she complained to Osmund. "And I'm as bald as an egg."
Osmund put on his spectacles, and peered for a long time at Lizzy's head. Then he gave her a bottle of hair tonic, and told her to rub it on three times a day.
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 2
But it didn't work. Even although Lizzy poured so much of it on that it dripped into her ears. There wasn't as much as a tuft of hair on her whole head.
"I think it's making you balder," teased her brothers. And they laughed at her as they combed their manes.
Lizzy was disappointed and angry. "I want my money back," she told Osmund. "That nasty old stuff you gave me didn't work."
Osmund leaned back in his chair - which was a very high one, for he was so tall - and stayed deep in thought. "Okay," he said at last. "I have another idea."
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 3
And so it was that Lizzy returned home with a head full of ostrich feathers. She felt very proud of herself for now she had a mane - at least of sorts - and she strutted a bit as she walked.
"You look ridiculous," laughed her brothers. "Take off the bird hat before our friends see it." And they followed her around the den trying to grab at the feathers.
"Leave her alone," said their mother, and chased them outside.
But despite all the teasing Lizzy continued to wear the feathers. She spent a lot of time studying her reflection in a pool, and had decided that although they were not as nice as a real mane, they were better than being bald. She did, however, find them annoying at times.
The feather mane made her head hotter in summer, and sometimes it got into her eyes and she couldn't see properly. It also took a lot of time to brush and comb and get the knots out.
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 3
And so it was that Lizzy returned home with a head full of ostrich feathers. She felt very proud of herself for now she had a mane - at least of sorts - and she strutted a bit as she walked.
"You look ridiculous," laughed her brothers. "Take off the bird hat before our friends see it." And they followed her around the den trying to grab at the feathers.
"Leave her alone," said their mother, and chased them outside.
But despite all the teasing Lizzy continued to wear the feathers. She spent a lot of time studying her reflection in a pool, and had decided that although they were not as nice as a real mane, they were better than being bald. She did, however, find them annoying at times.
The feather mane made her head hotter in summer, and sometimes it got into her eyes and she couldn't see properly. It also took a lot of time to brush and comb and get the knots out.
Lizzy the Lion Cub: Page 4
One day, Lizzy and her brothers were playing on the riverbank. It had been raining and they got very muddy. "We'll have the devil of a time getting this muck out of our manes," said her brothers, as they jumped into the river for a bath.
And while they were still bathing, and helping each other clean up their manes, Lizzy pulled off her own feather mane - which was coated with mud - and threw it away. Then she quickly swam ashore and beat everyone home for tea.
Lizzy felt freer and lighter without the mane and there was never any difficulty seeing. She didn't miss the time spent grooming it either.
"You look lovely without it," said her mother, and Lizzy, peering at her reflection, very happily agreed.
Captain Silverspoons and His Missing Earrings: Page 1
Captain Edward Silverspoons was a rather small and chubby pirate, with rosy red cheeks, a scruffy black beard, and big blue eyes. He always wore a black and blue pirate outfit, and a large red pirate hat. Of course like most pirates, Captain Silverspoons had a wooden peg for a leg. So every now and then he would wobble and hobble as he walked. Captain Silverspoons had two silver teaspoons which he wore as earrings, and that is how he got his name.
Captain Silverspoons along with his parrot Trevor, a dark blue and golden macaw, sailed a small wooden pirate ship called the Jolly Teapot. Like most other pirate ships, his had a flag. However rather than the skull and crossbones, his had two silver spoons crossed over and an image of his face rather than a skull. All in all, Captain Silverspoons didn't seem like a very fearsome pirate at all.
Early one morning Captain Silverspoons woke, yawning, stretching and then placing his feet to the ground to search for his slippers. For some reason something wasnÕt right. It wasn't until Trevor screeched "the spoons, the spoons" that the Captain noticed he no longer had his earrings!
Captain Silverspoons and His Missing Earrings: Page 2
The Captain and Trevor searched top to bottom of the Jolly Teapot for the missing earrings. He traced his steps from the night before. He searched in the ships kitchen, but no matter where they looked, they couldn't find the earrings! "Oh what will I do now?" The Captain wondered sitting down on a bench. Trevor flew to his shoulder, holding something in his beak! "What is this?" The Captain asked. Then he recognized it: it was torn clothing!
He knew there were only a few people that wore clothes made from this sort of material. It had to be the Tribilers, a tribe that lived on the east side of Catbell Bay. Normally they kept to themselves, but for some reason th
ey had come aboard the Jolly Teapot and stolen his earrings!
"We must get them back, Trevor. We will sail to the east side of the island and get back my earrings" Captain Silverspoons shouted as he hobbled up to the bridge. "Squawk, Prepare to set sail" Trevor screeched as he flew up to the crows nest.
Captain Silverspoons and His Missing Earrings: Page 3
With the anchor raised, and the sails up, the Jolly Teapot set off for the east side of the Island. The Jolly Teapot bobbed up and down on the sea as it sailed around the coast to the Tribilers camp. It wasn't long until Captain Silverspoons could see the dock and so steered the ship towards it. "I wonder why they took my earrings," Silverspoons thought, as he fastened the Jolly Teapot to the dock.
Trevor flew alongside the Captain as he tottered towards the Tribilers camp. He could hear music and laughter. Brushing back some large leaves the Captain finally saw the Tribilers camp. They were dancing around a large fire. The Tribilers were having a party!
Then he saw his earrings. The big Tribiler chief had them! Without thinking he stomped out from behind the leaves. "You are wearing my earrings!" Silverspoons shouted, as he pointed to the chief.
Captain Silverspoons and His Missing Earrings: Page 4
"Oh no, you are mistaken. These were given to me as a birthday present. It is my birthday today." "No, you don't understand," Silverspoons began. "They are my earrings. They have CS imprinted on them, look and see."
So the Big Chief took the earrings off and looked at them. "Ah," said the Big Chief. "I do see a C and an S. These are your earrings. I am sorry. I did not know they were yours," the Big Chief said, handing them back.
Captain Silverspoons remembered the torn bit of cloth he had found and gave it to the Big Chief. The Big Chief looked at it, then looked at a young Tribiler hiding behind a large pot. "Did you steal these from the Captain?" he asked. In a quiet voice the young Tribiler answered, "Yes Big Chief, I thought they would be a nice present for you."
"You should not steal from others," the Big Chief boomed. "It means more to receive something that has been worked for honestly. Stealing from others is never good. But let us not spoil the mood. Let us continue with the party! Captain, you should join in."
Happy that he had his earrings back, Captain Silverspoons joined in the party celebrating the Big Chief's birthday.
The Magic Light: Page 1
Ella the Duck first noticed the light when she was swimming along by the river bank. It moved slowly for a while, then suddenly picked up speed and disappeared. What on earth could it be, she wondered? It was quite unlike anything she had ever seen before.
The next night around the same time it appeared again. Ella watched it for a while, then unable to contain her curiosity any longer got out of the water to get a closer look.
But by the time she waddled across the road, it had gone.
The Magic Light: Page 2
"It was probably just the headlights from a car," said her friend, Aggie the goose.
But Ella shook her head quite vigorously. "Headlights are big lights," she replied. "The light I saw was very small."
"Then maybe it was a bicycle?" suggested Aggie.
But Ella shook her head again. "It was much smaller than a bicycle lamp," she said.
The Magic Light: Page 3
Aggie thought about this for a while as she groomed her feathers. "Well then, it must have been someone carrying a torch. It's dark over there by the trees."
"No, it wasn't a torch either," answered Ella. "It was smaller than a torch beam."
"So this was a really tiny light," said Aggie. She was beginning to get impatient.
Ella nodded, and said that she thought it might be magic.
"Oh, nonsense," retorted Aggie. "There's no such thing. At least, I don't think there is."
The Magic Light: Page 4
The following night, Ella hid in the bushes close to where she had seen the odd light. She had to find out what it was. But although she waited patiently for a very long time, it didn't appear.
"Where have you been?" asked Aggie. "I've been looking all over for you."
"Waiting to catch the light," answered Ella. She was feeling chilly and quite discouraged.
"I think I have the answer to what it is," said Aggie, and she honked in excitement. "It's a glow-worm."
"A glow-worm," repeated Ella. "No it isn't." For she knew that glow-worms were very tiny and white. The light she had seen - her light - was bigger than that and red.
The Magic Light: Page 5
"Well, why didn't you tell me this before," scolded Aggie. "So we're talking here about a small red light that's tinier than a torch beam."
Ella nodded. "Sometimes it moves slowly, and other times it just flies along." In fact, once it had actually stopped and she had almost caught it.
"Look, are you sure you're not just imagining the whole thing?" asked Aggie. For try as she might, she was unable to think what a light like that could be.
"Of course not," quacked Ella. She was very miffed about being accused of "seeing thing." Things that were not there, that is. She would have to prove to Aggie that the mysterious light was real. And the only way to do that was to wait over by the trees, until it showed up again. She had to find out what it was.
The Magic Light: Page 6
Ella lay in wait for the light every night for a week, with no luck. And she was just about to give up - could she have been imagining it? - when it suddenly re-appeared. Ella's heart thumped in excitement, and she waddled after it as fast as she could.
"Hello there Ella, what are you doing out so late?" It was Horace the bulldog going for his nightly walk. And the light, the little red light that Ella had been pursuing for so long was shining from his collar.
"Oh it helps me see in the dark," he explained. "My eyesight's not as good as it once was, and it saves me from getting hit by a car or a bicycle."
"Good idea," agreed Ella. She was delighted that the mystery of the odd little light had been solved at last. And, she could hardly wait to get home and tell Aggie the news. Imagining things, indeed. She would certainly expect an apology.
The kind old keeper was popular at City Zoo. He never locked the animals up and they roamed the zoo visiting each other for a chat, or spent their days playing with one another. All the animals were fed and protected by their faithful zookeeper, who worked tirelessly to take care of their needs and keep the zoo running smoothly. Not many people visited the zoo as it was old and in disrepair but all the animals lived contented and extremely lazy lives.
------
One day Billy Big Ears the bat was hanging around the zookeeper's office snoozing. Bats like to slumber during the day. Nothing much happened at this zoo, so Billy was surprised to be woken with a start by the telephone ringing. "Hello, City Zoo," said the keeper, smiling. The keeper's smile left his face as he listened to the person on the other end of the line. "What will become of the animals? They will have to be separated and sent off to other zoos. I hadn't realized the zoo was that badly in debt. I could never raise so much money myself!"
The keeper listened intently and then, sighing sadly, he said, "Well, I guess the zoo will have to close, then." The kind old zookeeper, not knowing Billy was in the office, put his head on the office desk and muttered to himself, "How will I ever be able to tell the animals this sad news?" Billy Big Ears silently soared through the open window of the office and rushed off to tell the other animals this shocking news.
-----
Hearing Billy's story, the animals held a meeting with the Wise Old Owl as the chairman. "I now call this meeting to order," said Wise Old Owl. "The topic for the meeting will be how to save the City Zoo." He hooted with much authority, "Does anyone have any suggestions?" The animals all fell silent as they concentrated on this problem, until many moments later, the bat Billy Big Ears piped up, "I know, we can find some money for the kind Old keeper and give it to him." The other animals all smiled and nodded in agreement, until Horrace Hippo, with a puzzled look on his face, asked, "What's money and where can money be found?"
By now the Wise Old Owl had heard enough; he knew the animals were not knowledgeable of the outside world but could not help feeling impatient at the time it was taking them to arrive at an answer. Puffing up his feathers as he always did when feeling exasperated at the other animals ignorance he hooted, "You don't find money! Money is something you earn by getting a job!" The animals all looked at one another, appearing none the wiser, and finally Percy Pelican rather timidly asked, "What is a job?" "A job is doing something useful to help others. Sometimes it's done voluntarily and other times special colored paper, called money, is paid to the worker," Hooted Owl, adding, "Money is what the zoo keeper uses to buy us the things we need."
----
The animals seemed quite satisfied with Owl's explanation. The answer to their problem was now obvious: they would all go outside City Zoo and get jobs. As the animals were of many different sizes and shapes, the meeting lasted late into the night as they discussed with the Owl the sorts of work that would best suit their individual attributes. At the close of the meeting the animals went to their cages to sleep and prepare for the big day that lay ahead.
The next day the animals rose early to start their first day at work. The keeper couldnÕt work out the reason for the animals departure, they had never desired to leave the confines of the zoo before. He waved goodbye as they paraded out of the main gate, a puzzled look on his face. "Be sure to be home in time for dinner!" he yelled after them.
-----
The Giraffes Gerry and Jenny went straight to the local telephone company. Their long necks and legs made them ideal for work on the tallest of telephone poles. Gerry and Jenny loved their new job, even if it did mean being tangled up in telephone cable occasionally.
----
The two cheeky chimps and Big Bertha the Elephant set up a car wash in a nearby car park. The nimble Chimps scampered about scrubbing the dirty cars clean, making a game of the work at hand. Big Bertha, loading her trunk with water from a bucket, rinsed the soap suds off the now gleaming cars. The chimps and Bertha the Elephant made a great car washing team.
---
Horrace the Hippo spent his days working as a lifeguard at the local council swimming pool. The children at the pool were delighted at HorraceÕs antics in the pool. Horrace loved his new job, as he was doing what Hippos love best: wallowing in the water and sun baking.
------
Sylvia Snake spent her days helping a local plumber. Sylvia slithered down plug holes, helping the plumber clear blocked drains. This was hard work for Sylvia, but work a slithering snake could do well. The plumber was delighted with Sylvia's work and paid her well.
------
Percy Pelican worked for the Postal Service delivering air mail. Percy flew far and wide, his large bill bulging with mail. Percy loved flying low over the city, enjoying the view and meeting the people he had mail for. This was a fine job for a pelican, indeed.
-----
Russell Rhino, heavy and strong with his big rhino horn, applied for work at a building firm. Russell was well suited to his new career, charging headlong through brick walls demolishing old buildings. Rhinos love to charge at things and to be paid to do this was a dream come true for Russell.
-------
The Zoo's gorillas tried out for the local professional rugby league team. The coach was delighted with the two of them, and they found themselves playing as front row forwards. Needless to say, their team never lost a scrum and the other players admired the playing skill of the gorillas, often trying to emulate it.
------
At the end of each day, the animals made their way home to the zoo, tired but happy that they were secretly helping the keeper save the zoo from closing. All the animals gave their money to the wise old owl, who was their accountant, and he worked late into the night counting their hard-earned money.
---
Finally the big day arrived, and the animals gathered around the kind old keeper and presented him with the money needed to save the City Zoo. Needless to say the keeper was overcome with joy and thanked the animals, adding, "Now I know what you all were getting up to when you left the zoo."
The animals raised so much money that enough was left over to renovate the zoo. The animals were no longer lazy; they liked to work and set about transforming the zoo. The keeper looked on in amazement as the animals made City Zoo beautiful. People of the city soon heard news of this and visited in great numbers, assuring the Zoo of its future. The kind keeper and all the animals lived happily ever after.
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver)
Big Kittie
Junior
Hello! Big Kittie here! How are you?
Hey! Did you forget me? I am Junior. How are you doing?
Today, we are working on one of our books. Our human mother types our books for us. We have trouble with that since we only have paws, which don't work well for typing!
Junior says that she types our books because she works for FREE!
Ok! Says Biggie. Let's get to the story. We want to tell you about what it is like to be a caregiver to someone with dementia or Alzheimers.
Both of these diseases deal with memory loss. What's different about them in some people is the extent of the loss.
We are going to tell you about what happened to our own mother's friend when she was a caregiver. Then, maybe you can help someone you know who cares for someone with this disease or another disease.
The caregiver is the person who needs help and support!
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie
------
Junior
Purry Mason is a cat we know who has a human mother called Trudy.
Trudy's mom is Mrs. Luther. Mrs. Luther has Alzheimers.
Trudy's day begins with getting up at 5 a.m. She gets herself ready and goes across town to her brother Randall's house. Randall lives with Mrs. Luther and helps take care of her during the evening hours.
Trudy leaves her home and goes across town to pick up the sitter for her mother, Mrs. Luther. She brings the sitter to the house. Then, Trudy begins the chores that will make for a long day. Trudy helps to bathe her mother.
Why? Junior asks.
Because she had broken her hip and doesn't have good movement in her legs.
Oh!
Now, can I go on with the story, Junior?
Continue, Junior says.
----
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie
Junior
Trudy bathes Mrs. Luther, dresses her, and sets her hair. Then Trudy leaves for her office.
Her brother Randall, before his work day, cooks Mrs. Luther breakfast, watches her take her pills, and then gives her a shot for her diabetes.
Then, he leaves for work.
At lunch, Trudy first has to come across town and get the second sitter for the afternoon. Then the first sitter gets picked up and taken home.
How come they can't find one sitter for the day? Junior asks.
This is the problem that most people do not see. You just can't find sitters sometimes because this is not an easy job. No one wants to do this work sometimes because it is very hard work in ways. Watching after someone who is an adult who really is like a small child is not easy.
Trudy comes to the house and helps fix lunch. Mrs. Luther, who needs assistance for all her needs, will then need to be bathed again and dressed.
Why? Junior asked.
Because she has had an accident. Like when you miss the litter pan.
Oh! Continue, Junior says.
Thank you, Biggie says.
----
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie
Junior
Then, she leaves again to go back to work. Trudy has had no lunch herself. She just eats a pack of crackers and drinks a soda at her desk.
At 5 p.m. Trudy quits her job for the day and comes back to her mom's house. Again, she has to clean her mother up, take the sitter home, and buy her mom a snack to eat. She then drives across town to her brother's work site, waits for him to get off work, and delivers their mom to him. He takes over for the evening.
Randall's job is very hard because he has to get up all during the night. He fixes dinner. He gives Mrs. Luther her shots for diabetes in the evening. He does all the laundry and cleans the house.
Boy! Junior says, these people have no life of their own! All they do is work, work at their mother's house, and do it again. Some life.
My point, dear boy!
---
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie
Junior
This is the life of the caregiver. Day after day they do this job. It is very stressful. Sometimes, family will not help. Sometimes, the support groups and friends just don't take the time to ask them if they need help.
Which they do, Junior says.
Most of the time people don't visit or come by. They could help.
Trudy's mother went to a church and no one came by on a weekly basis to see them. They just thought because things were getting done that they were all right.
But, this went on for years and years. Finally, both Trudy and her brother Randall began to have some health problems. They were both so stressed.
No one really seemed to care! They even asked for help from their church. No help came. Sometimes, people who mean well just assume that if someone looks like they are making it day to day, then there is no reason to reach out.
------
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie
Junior
Trudy and Randall asked for community services help. No one helped.
Why? Junior asked.
Well, sometimes Junior if you fall in the large gap of those income levels, you don't get a lot of help. People think you have enough money to make it so they just don't step forward.
So what happened? Junior asked.
Well! Trudy's mom became worse. She got to the point where she did not speak. She didn't understand anything or retain anything for more than a few minutes.
Boy! Junior says. This is scary in a way.
How would you like to have to care for one of our cat friends like this?
I would not, Junior says. I gotta have time to "cat around" with my friends.
These people had no time to breathe.
-----
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie
Junior
Junior, dear boy, I know you and I know that you would take care of someone like our friend Purry Mason if that happened to them.
Oh! Probably so, but I would need to see my vet and get some health support for my own wellbeing.
Dr. Junior to the rescue, says Biggie.
What we are trying to tell you, our friends who read our books is that sometimes it is very difficult to see what is happening in a family. You have to live there to see all the stress.
Junior and I have been in a family of people who have been caregivers. It is not an easy life. It is very stressful.
So, if your human household needs help, seek out those agencies for help. Go for support for yourself. Caregiving is not an easy job. True, a lot of people do not recognize what it is like till you have done it yourself. But, more and more people are seeing the "high profile" types who have this disease and have to have caregivers.
Talk about it. Create support for someone you know. Be their life line.
----
Big Kittie and Junior: A Day in the Life of a Caregiver
Big Kittie & Junior
Love you. Have a PURR-fect day! Look for the rest in our series of books on Caregiving and Living with someone with memory loss.
THE BLUE COW
(In the flower shop, Shyanne and her mommy turned the corner and in the middle of the floor sat a blue cow eating daisies! Shyanne stopped and stared.
The blue cow did not notice anyone looking at him. He kept on eating and eating and eating.
As Shyanne went to pass the blue cow, it rolled over and burped.
Shyanne stopped and said, "What should you say?"
"Excuse me for my bad manners," hiccupped the cow.
"That's okay. Will you come to my house?" Shyanne asked.
"That sounds like a wonderful idea," replied the blue cow.
--------------
Leaving the store, a funny looking horse sat blocking the door.
"Excuse me," Shyanne said, "may we pass by please?"
"I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep," replied the horse with a wide yawn.
"Where are you going?" Shyanne asked the horse.
"I was on my way home," answered the sleepy horse, "but I think I missed my bus."
"Would you like to walk with us to my house?" Shyanne asked.
"Thank you, I will," replied the horse.
----------------
As Shyanne and her friends were walking up the street, an elephant tripped in front of them.
"Are you okay, elephant?" Shyanne asked.
"Quite all right, thank you," replied the elephant.
"We are on our way to my house. Would you like to join us?" Shyanne invited.
"Yes, please," replied the elephant.
------------------
Opening the little front door of her house, Shyanne turned to her friends and politely told them, "It will be a tight squeeze, but everyone should fit nicely."
"We are stuck!" the blue cow cried.
"Shyanne, give us a push please," asked the funny horse.
With one great big push, the blue cow, funny looking horse, and elephant went tumbling into the house.
----------------
"Shyanne, please pick up your stuffed animals and put them in your room."
"Yes, mommy," Shyanne said with a giggle.
Shyanne bent over, picked up the blue cow, the funny looking horse, and elephant, and carried them to her room.
---------------
She gave each a hug, put them in her toy box, and closed the lid.
Turning to leave her room, Shyanne heard an unusual sound: "haughh...zzzhhh..." coming from her bedroom closet.
Slowly opening her closet door, inside, all curled up, slept a strange looking dinosaur.
(KITSVILLE CAPER)
Jasper worked at the Cat Collars Detective Agency in the small town of Kitsville. He was a sleek purple cat who enjoyed the leisurely activities of cat and mouse games, fishing, and bowling.
Every winter Kitsville would host their annual Fish Bowl Tournament, and as always, Jasper and his team the Alley Cats were expected to win first prize.
-------------
This year the prize money locked in the golden chest had doubled. Therefore, plenty of cats were scratching to win this year's event. It was even rumored that two black greasy haired cats by the names of Slick and Smokey were bowling in the tournament. These twin brothers had a nose for trouble.
As the tournament drew near, Jasper knew it would be his responsibility to protect the golden chest and all its contents.
----------------
Later that night the tournament began. Fowlie, a large orange tabby, was manager of the Fish Bowl and the evening's announcer. "I'm pleased to introduce the Alley Cats versus the Pinstripes," his voice bellowed over the roaring crowd.
The teams approached their appointed lanes and to everyone's surprise, Slick and Smokey took their places beside the Pinstripe team. Jasper proudly walked to the center line. Ten large gophers popped up from their holes and stood at attention.
Achoo! Jasper coughed up a big slimy hairball and rolled it down the aisle. Zing! The ball hit the gutter and flew high in the air, landing against the wall with a Splat!
-----------------
Slick strolled up next and boldly coughed up a hairball.
Smack! All ten gophers fell to the floor with one powerful blow.
"The Pinstripes are in the lead," announced Fowlie.
Lieutenant Prowler came up next to play.
-----------------
Lieutenant Prowler nervously licked his sweaty paws and coughed up a large gooey hairball.
The ball hit the pins and rebounded off, landing in a kitten's glass of milk with a Plop!
Smokey then followed his brother and threw a perfect strike. This gave the Pinstripes a huge lead.
----------------
Chester, a large orange Alley Cat and Jasper's long-time friend, strolled up next. He fearlessly tossed a hairball in his firm grip and heaved it down the lane. The ball hit the center pin with a loud Bang! The gophers wobbled on their hind legs but didn't fall.
Zoom! The ball suddenly sprung to life, knocking out lights and hitting everything in its path.
"Run for cover!" Fowlie screamed. Jasper dodged under a table. The ball split in two, before shattering into smaller pieces everywhere. Carefully he peered out from under a table. At that moment the ball whizzed by, parting his hair in the middle. Then without warning, it happened...
------------------
A tall broad figure disguised in a dark mask and cloak approached the glass casing protecting the golden chest. With one powerful blow the glass shattered and the mysterious figure ran off with the winnings.
Jasper knew who was behind this.
He leaped up from under the table, chasing the thief down the Alley Cat's lane.
--------------
Jasper was within reach of the cloak, when his paws slipped on the shiny surface. He whizzed down the aisle, falling right on top of the gophers.
Crash!
The dark figure continued to run down a long hallway to a dead end.
"Now I've got him!" Jasper said.
-----------------
He reached the door which read: "Male Litter Box," and slowly peered inside. A strong smell greeted him at the door.
"Doesn't the janitor ever scoop in here?" Jasper muttered under his breath.
Holding one paw over his nose he checked the litter box but found nothing.
"Where did he go?" Jasper wondered.
--------------------
Then a noise overhead caught his attention. The criminal had climbed through the heating vent. Clawing quickly up the wall, Jasper squeezed through the narrow gap. He was surrounded by darkness. Grabbing his flashlight to guide him, he slowly made his way through the confined space.
Then suddenly something moved in the shadows. Jasper could faintly make out a large round shape. He shined his flashlight around, to find a hairy brown spider blocking his path. "Why couldn't it be a mouse?" Jasper grumbled in protest.
He hesitantly approached the spider, flailing his flashlight for protection. The spider's pincers were ready for attack. He scurried towards Jasper.
-----------------
A sticky web veered towards him, knocking the flashlight from his paws. "Oh no!" Jasper screamed.
The spider got ready to strike. Jasper curled himself into a ball and waited to feel the sharp piercing pain, but nothing happened.
Instead, a forceful gust of heat suddenly engulfed the vent.
Jasper looked up to see the spider retreat around the corner and out of sight.
--------------
The heat was unbearable. Jasper needed to escape quickly!
He followed the vent until he saw a distant ray of light. It was the opening! And just up ahead was the cloaked figure!
As they reached the end of the vent, the criminal jumped down with Jasper right at his heels.
The dark figure tried to dash away, but as he did, he tripped on the hem of his cloak and crumpled to the floor.
-----------------
Jasper leaned over and slowly removed the mask from the crook's face.
"No, it can't be!" Jasper gasped in surprise. It was Chester!
"I'm sorry Jasper," Chester said. "I saw the golden chest and wanted it for myself. Will you forgive me?"
Jasper watched his friend huddled on the floor. With a backward glance he nodded his head, and Lieutenant Prowler led Chester from the room.
999999999999990
That evening Chester was taken away to the Cat Cage Jail Cell and the town of Kitsville was safe once more.
Jasper, Kitsville's crime fighting detective, didn't know when his next great adventure would be, but he knew it would be ready for it when it happened.
THE END (BILL AND ROSCO)
There once was a boy named Bill
One day when Bill was walking home from school, he heard a noise coming from the bushes. He went over to see what it was. Behind a bush, he found a black and white dog caught in a trap.
Bill hurried home with the dog and showed his parents. Bill's dad said the dog had a broken leg.
They brought the dog to the vet in the family station wagon. On the way, Bill's parents decided that Bill could keep the dog if they couldn't find the owner.
When they arrived, the vet put a cast on the dog's leg. He also told Bill that she was going to have puppies!
The next day, Bill posted signs around his neighborhood that said, "Found: Dog - Black and White," and listed his phone number for the owner to call.
Two days later, Bill received a call from the owner of the dog. The owner thanked Bill for taking such good care of his dog. When the owner came to pick up his dog, he said Bill could have one of the puppies. Bill was so excited!
Bill built a doghouse and bought some new dog bones to get ready for his new puppy - Rosco.
Finally, Bill received his new puppy. Rosco was the best dog in the whole world, and Bill was very, very happy.
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 1
The squirrels were having a meeting in the hollow of an oak tree. They swished their tails around a lot, which meant that they were worried, and their noses were twitching more than usual.
"We want to keep things the way they were," declared Siggy, who was the leader. He was bigger than the others and his tail was much bushier. "This was always a nice quiet neighbourhood."
"Until the golf course moved in," agreed his friend Suzy, who was quite tiny. Everyone agreed that something would have to be done. They had already tried to scare the golfers away with loud and angry scoldings, but it hadn't worked.
"We were here long before them, and this land belongs to us," stated Siggy. And he suggested that they switch tactics and try to drive them out another way.
"But how?" asked Suzy, biting into an apple. "You may not have noticed, but they're a lot bigger than we are, and there's a lot more of them."
"I'm not intending to march on the clubhouse, if that's what you're thinking," Siggy retorted while munching on a hazelnut. "No siree. If ever a situation called for guerrilla warfare, it's this one."
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 2
A magpie flew by, making a grab for the squirrel's meal. "Get outta here," yelled Siggy. "And the plan I have in mind will take care of these pesky critters too," he added angrily.
"Killing two birds with one stone, so to speak," mused Suzy glaring at the magpie. And the other squirrels demanded to know how this was to be done.
"It's simple really," explained Siggy. "Golf can't be played without balls. And if we grab enough of them they're sure to get fed up and move on somewhere else."
Everyone nodded in agreement. The balls would be easy to pop into their mouths, for they were just about the size of a crab apple. But what, they wondered, would they do with them afterwards?
"If they manage to find the balls again?" said Suzy. "Then all our efforts will have been in vain."
Siggy finished off the last morsel of his lunch before answering. "Not if we chew them up so badly, theyÕll be fit for trash only," he replied.
"And the magpies," questioned Suzy. "How will this chase them away? They don't play golf."
"No, but they live in our tree. And if we stash the wrecked balls in their nests, they'll soon be looking around for another place to live."
It was a marvellous plan, and everyone was anxious to get started on it right away.
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 3
The squirrels concentrated their efforts between the 10th and 18th holes, which were side by side. Grabbing the balls as they rolled to a stop and haring off with them at lightning speed.
"Hey, come back here," yelled angry golfers, but although some gave chase, they were never fast enough to catch the squirrels, who could run very fast indeed. And soon hundreds of chewed-up balls were hidden up trees and buried all around.
"Look! We're becoming famous," Suzy exclaimed, pointing to a newspaper article about their activities.
"It's our fifteen minutes of fame," Siggy remarked dryly, although he was secretly delighted by the coverage. As everyone had been working really hard and it was rewarding to receive attention of this sort.
"I wish they would publish our side of the story though," Suzy lamented. For she was upset about being called a "Golf Ball Bandit" and a "Thieving Rodent."
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 4
Suzy's nest was located high up in the branches of a fir tree. And it was just as Siggy popped his head out to see what the weather was doing that he noticed the young woman prowling around far below.
"I bet she's a newspaper reporter," he cried excitedly. "This might be our big chance. Quick, Suzy, spruce yourself up and let's get down there. And smile, we want to make a good impression."
"Does she have a photographer with her?" asked Suzy, grooming herself hurriedly. "It would be lovely to get a shot of ourselves on the front page."
"I didn't see anyone else," Siggy admitted, disappointed already at the prospect of missing out on a photo op.
But although they hurried down the tree as fast as they could, by the time they reached the ground the mysterious visitor had disappeared.
"Darn," said Siggy, wiggling his nose. "There goes our chance at a little desperately needed publicity."
"But she may not have been a reporter at all," Suzy consoled. "Come on, let's go home."
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 5
The golfers were getting angrier all the time. "If I had my way, I'd trap the little varmints and ship them miles away," raged one man. And this threat was overhead by a timid little squirrel named Tyke.
"I don't want to be locked up in a cage and taken to a strange place," he wailed. "We have to stop stealing the balls now." And some of the squirrels, who were growing tired of the war agreed.
Never had a meeting drawn such a crowd before. "It's time we took a vote on this," declared Sonny, who was almost as large as Siggy, and longed to replace him as leader. And the air was electric with excitement as the squirrels jostled each other for a better look at the speakers.
"It's up to me to decide that," insisted Siggy. "I am the leader."
"None of us want to risk being trapped," said Tyke's mom Cindy. "I say we stop while we're still ahead."
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 6
And so the hollow of the oak tree rang with the angry sounds of a community divided.
But it wasn't just the fear of being trapped that was swaying community opinion against the war. Now that the golf course had been established for a couple of years, there were certain benefits that were being noticed.
For one thing, it was easier to get around over the short turf than struggling through tall grasses. The increased human presence had also scared off predators such as hawks, coyotes and cats. But the really big plus was all the tasty treats like filberts and almonds that were being left for them.
"And there's a couple of lovely old dears who bring us peanuts," declared Cindy, as she munched on the goodies. "The kind that are roasted in the shell and unsalted so they're good for us."
But Siggy remained stubborn and refused to quit. He feared that if he gave in now Sonny would be seen as the winner. "The battle must go on," he said.
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 7
And so the golf ball snatching continued, if not as enthusiastically as before. Until something happened that convinced even Siggy that it had to stop.
"Golf Course Attracts Record Numbers Because of Plumy-tailed Pirates," declared the headline in the newspaper.
"Good grief,"exclaimed Siggy, nibbling on one of the peanuts that had become a tasty addition to his diet. "First we were bandits and thieves, and now we're pirates! This is hardly unbiased reporting."
But it was what the article said, that caused him the most concern. For it seemed that the squirrels' activities were attracting even those who hated golf.
"Can you imagine that?" Suzy pondered. "They're coming here just to watch us make off with the balls."
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 8
A meeting was called by Sonny, who demanded that the golf ball-snatching stop immediately. "The very last thing we want is to attract even more people here," he said. "We've become part of the problem rather than the solution."
And everyone agreed that all hostilities must end.
So it was that peace once again reigned on the golf course.
Until that is, one mischievous little squirrel named Moxy raced across the green at the 18th hole and nabbed a ball that had rolled there.
"Another move like that one and you'll be banished," warned Siggy, although he secretly applauded the action.
"It was a grand gesture," he told Suzy.
"And it signalled the end of an era," she replied wistfully. For it was destined to be the last golf ball to be "squirreled" in that way.
Golf Ball Bandits: Page 9
Some quick squirrel facts:
Squirrels' eyes swivel around constantly on the lookout for danger. A trait that makes it risky to feed them by hand, as they're likely to bite unsuspecting fingers. Their incisors grow six inches a year to compensate for all the hard chewing that they do, sometimes stripping almost two-hundred pine cones in a single day.
Squirrels can eat mushrooms that would be toxic to humans, as their digestive tract is able to neutralise the poison. Before burying food for winter, they lick or rub it against their fur for the scent. Their highly developed sense of smell enabling them to detect a pine cone buried a foot beneath the snow.
Squirrels live in "dreys," which are nests built of sticks and leaves, and lined with feathers. They live alone, except for mothers and their young. Or, if it's very cold, they might double up for warmth. They have well-curved claws designed for purchase, in their rapid descent down trees, and can be very vocal, with a raucous selection of rattles, screeches and growls as part of their repertoire. They can run at speeds of up to 25 kilometers an hour.
Squirrels communicate with each other using a series of chirps, and by flicking their tails.
And there is nothing more important to a squirrel than its tail. Because not only does it serve as a status symbol Ð the fluffier the tail the bigger the squirrel will appear, but is also relied upon for so much of its daily activities. While jumping through the trees it's a rudder for steering, and for safe landings a parachute. It's a blanket in winter, an umbrella when it's raining, and a parasol in the sun. And they can even be employed to escape a predator by shedding its sheath and some of its bones.
Author's Note: This story is based on the recent activity at an Edmonton golf course, where the squirrels are making off with the balls.
(WHEN I GROW UP)
When I grow up, what should I be?
I could be anything, it's true.
So many things I'd like to see,
So many things that I could do.
I would like to be a fireman,
Fighting fires all day long.
To drive big trucks the best that I can,
I would have to be very strong.
I could be a cowboy some day
And ride everywhere on my horse.
I'd chase after cows that run away
and live on a ranch, of course.
Pilots have lots of fun, I bet.
Up in the sky, up and away!
Big planes, little planes, even jets--
I'd like to fly them all some day.
©
Planting corn, potatoes, and wheat--
A farmer is what I should be.
Raising animals would be neat.
Yes, farming is the life for me!
If I want to lead my country,
I could be president when I'm grown.
All decisions would be up to me,
And the White House would be my home.
© 1996 All Rights Reserved
A pirate is what I could be,
Sailing my ship day after day.
Searching for treasure in the sea,
Having adventures on the way.
© 1996 All Rights Reserved
I could be an astronaut
And fly my rocket to the moon.
Mars might be my favorite spot.
I hope that I will grow up soon!
© 1996 All Rights Reserved
So many things that I could do!
I don't know what I'd rather be.
But one thing that I know is true:
When I grow up, I will be me.
(PENCIL)JOKE
Knock, knock
Who's there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
